It’s been a while since we’ve last talked to each other, and it’s especially been a while since we’ve last seen each other. During all this time, I’ve always wondered what you’ve been doing. How have things been with you? What are you up to? Is life going okay for you?
Why haven’t you contacted me in all these years?
That’s one of the biggest holes in my heart, and it’s been there for all these years that I’ve never heard from you. Sure, I’ve heard about you- from my mother and uncle- but never from you yourself. How come? I want to know more about you. I want to know the real you.
You used to live in the same house as me, my sister, and my mom- I think I remember you living with us at one point. And when you and Mom first divorced, you at least tried to visit me and my sister once a week. We used to spend the weekend at your house. We played some games, you baked us pancakes and scrambled eggs, and stuff like that, but for the most part, you slept through the entire weekend.
I remembered this one time I visited you when I was in the ninth grade. You slept for the entire day; I had to spend the whole day on my laptop, wondering when you were going to wake up. But you never woke up. You weren’t even awake when I left at 4:30 in the afternoon. I couldn’t even dare wake you up; I had to write a note and tell my sister.
I was lonely.
The last time I ever saw you was when I was, like, sixteen, in the early summer months of 2015… 2017… (I can’t even remember.) at a Baskin Robbin’s. At that point, I hadn’t seen you in months at least. I was so excited to see you that I ran at full speed and jumped on top of you, wanting you to pick me up and hold me like I was a little child (even though I was pushing 150–160 pounds). We spent some time together, eating ice cream, and then I never saw or heard from you again. No text message, no phone call, nothing.
It hurts to have this happen, Dad. Because of this, I’m always gonna have that “what-if” moment when I think about you. What if you and Mom had never divorced? What if you had continued seeing me and my sister, even when we’re adults? What if you had even bothered keeping in contact with us via email, social media, phone calls, or even a text message? Those are all better than nothing, Dad.
And you should know how much it hurts to not have your parents contact you or to not even hear from your parents. Your own mother did this to you.
Your literal, biological, blood-related mother.
And you felt that pain for all those years. My mother told me this when you two first divorced (if I recall correctly). Chances are, you’re still feeling that pain. I know it’s eating at your soul, Dad. I know you feel awful about it; all that guilt and despair is hurting you more and more. So, why do you still fail to contact your children? If you know how much it hurts to not hear from your parents, then you would think that you yourself wouldn’t want to spread that pain to your own children, right?
Then again, I’ve heard of the quote, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”, so maybe I shouldn’t be too surprised. It’s jaded of me to say, but that’s because you’re literally repeating your mother’s mistakes verbatim. And do you know how she feels about it? She feels terrible! She feels so terrible about it that she tried to make it up by constantly visiting us. I think she even went to my sister’s high school graduation. That’s how terrible she feels about abandoning you when you were a child!
But of course, none of that is going to make up for the pain she caused you as a child. And I’m afraid the same thing is happening to you.
I’m pretty sure that you don’t know I’m on here, but please, Dad. I just wanna hear from you again. Even a text message is better than nothing. I just wanna know you’re there for me. Please.
Sincerely and with an open heart,