I’m Not Proud of My Autism. Why Should I Be?
In case you’re new here or you haven’t been paying attention to what I’ve been saying, I am diagnosed on the autism spectrum. I’ve been diagnosed since I was three years old, and it affects every aspect of my life. From my writing and art to my cooking and money management abilities, nothing would be the same without my autism.
My autism especially affects two big things: driving and getting and sustaining a job. Those two things are essential for becoming a successful adult, and I feel like lacking those abilities is the reason why I feel so inadequate. Don’t get me wrong — I want to learn how to drive so that I can find a suitable job. But I find a hard time finding where or how to start.
And it’s all because of my autism.
Currently, I have a writing job, but it doesn’t pay much money. This was after almost a year of finding a remote job to no avail. I know this writing job can’t last forever (since it doesn’t pay much), so I’ve been recently hitting up some employment support to help disabled people like me find jobs.
You would think my mother would be happy about me wanting to find a job for myself. Most parents would. But my mother is not most people. Instead, she only wants me to be on SSI for the rest of my life because, in her words, “Why would you want to work? People are mean!”
Yes, people can be mean, but that shouldn’t mean I need to take their harsh words to heart because guess what? Work life often doesn’t travel home with you. When you’re done with work, you can go home and escape from the bad things at work.
Plus, you don’t even have to befriend your coworkers because those people have their own lives, too. They’re probably not gonna want to deal with you in their personal lives, especially if they don’t even like you. I wish my mother would understand that part when she’s complaining about a certain coworker (Let’s call her Lucy.) when she comes home from work.
I also want to get a job and learn how to drive so that I can spread my own wings and meet new people. Yeah, people are stupid freaks of nature, and they’re hard to interact with. But they’re also insightful, kind, fun, and fascinating. At least… that’s what the average human is. And really, what’s wrong with being average? It’s not such a bad thing.
Do you want to know what really sucks? Living a life like mine — a shut-in, depressing, autistic life like mine. For those who don’t know, autism greatly affects the way someone socializes with others, so it’s no wonder why I have a hard time finding a “real job” like everyone else I know. It also affects my gross motor skills, so there’s another reason why I can’t drive yet. Hell, I just learned how to tie my shoes this year… at the age of 24!
So, my mother uses these impairments as reasons why I should get on and stay on SSI. But I don’t want to get on SSI. I want a real job and earn my own money! I want to get out in the world and meet other people — people who are different than me! I want to learn new perspectives that aren’t mine! I want to contribute to society! I want to make a difference in someone’s life!
I don’t want to be stuck at home making only $914 a month via innocent taxpayers’ hard-earned cash. Besides, that money isn’t even worth much due to inflation. Also, I’m only allowed to keep up to $2,000 as a single person. Yes, that does include physical cash, money in a checking/savings account, cash value in life insurance policy (over $1500), stocks and bonds, household goods and personal effects (over $2000), motor vehicles (except for one), and real estate (except for the recipient’s home).
As I’ve stated about two years ago, how is this considered ethical, let alone acceptable? Being disabled is not cheap, you know. Even an “invisible” disability like autism can cost as much as $236–262 billion annually. Imagine how expensive a physical disability would be! Oh, wait… I can. Imagine being physically disabled dealing with this, especially in this economy! It’s absurd!
If I had a job with a sustainable income, I wouldn’t have to worry much about this. But, oh is it hard to find a place to start!
And I blame it all on my autism.
Because of my autism, my mother assumes that I’m unable to work and do other things on my own (despite her never teaching me how to do those things). Because of my autism, my father assumes that I’ll never be able to love someone the way a normal person can! Because of my autism, so many people assume that I’m never going to socialize or make friends the way they do.
The saddest thing about this is that, perhaps, this could very well be the case. I’m 24 years old, and the only thing I could consider having as a job is the freelance writing one that doesn’t even pay well. I’ve heard of people becoming famous for their art and writing, but becoming famous takes a lot of good social skills and knowing the right people, and God knows I was never born with those skills. Hell, because of my autism, I was barely allowed to leave the house to do any extracurricular activities or even go to the park and play on the playground.
The fact that people are celebrating autism both baffles and insults me. Why would anyone be proud of not being able to communicate or make friends? Why would anyone be proud of not being able to find a job and be independent?
Is it the autistic savants people are celebrating? Because I look at those savants and wish I could be one, but I always seem to fall short. Then, I look at those who are severely autistic, and I’m thankful that it’s not me. But then, why would anyone celebrate the fact that those people aren’t going to be able to live a fulfilling life like everyone else?
When I used to look at those severely autistic people, I always thought to myself, “Well, at least I’m not as severely autistic as those guys, and boy am I glad!” But, because of my inability to drive and my lack of adequate social skills, am I really that different from those severely autistic people?
Call me ableist all you want, but I just don’t think something like autism should be celebrated. I wouldn’t wish autism on my worst enemy; I wouldn’t even wish it on the worst person in the world. At least… not the autism that has destroyed my life and others.
